Xena, I'm beginning to lose my appetite.
Well, let's give it a try. Sometimes these places have great food.
Won't be a sec.
Pardon me...
Didn't you used to ride with Ahab, the Lame?
Yeah, but I've moved on to better things.
You look like the self-improvement type.
And aren't those Attila's colors you're wearing?
Some company...
And you...
I could swear you're Turkestan's boy.
What is this?
A scum-bag convention?
What brings you cutthroats together?
- I don't have to tell you that. - Oh, but you do.
Get her!
All right. You got seconds to live, so spit it out.
The warlords of Greece, Macedonia and Thrace...
have put a price on his head.
We've united under Gasgar, the Terrible,
to hunt him down and split the bounty.
All right...
Hunt down who?
The God of War. Ares.
He's mortal...
and now the warlords that he crossed when he was a god...
are having their revenge.
Ares, prepare to die!
Who are you?
- Who are you? - They call me...
Battling Siki.
Nobody ever called you that. You just made that up.
But if you don't wanna be known as Dead Siki, you'll be movin' on.
All right.
But the gold is mine, Ares.
I've been gettin' a lot of that lately.
So...
What brings you here?
Animal magnetism?
We're here to save your butt.
The word is out that you're mortal, Ares.
There's a price on your head and every scum-bag in the world is lookin' to cash in.
Gasgar, the Terrible... Lombar...
The Howl Brothers... Mosher...
- Attila... - The Beast of Turkestan.
It'll be great fighting by your side. We'll take no prisoners.
No, we're not here to participate in a blood bath.
We're here to offer you a new life.
You're a little ahead of me.
Ares, you're gonna spend the rest of your mortal life
a hunted man, unless you assume a new identity.
You need to go undercover as someone else.
Reinvent myself, well...
I'm not opposed to the idea.
I've given a lot of thought to how I'm gonna live the rest of my mortal life.
A king...
A priest, if the cult was sexy enough...
Ares, you've gotta do something that no one would ever suspect of you.
Like what?
How are you at shoveling s***?
In the time of ancient gods...
...warlords...
...and kings...
a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle.
The power...
the passion...
the danger...
Her courage will change the world.
Old Ares Had A Farm
Ares, what's wrong with being a farmer?
For a rube, nothing. But for the God of War...
- Former God of War. - Xena, let's you and I
go crazy on Gasgar and his boys.
I am talkin' about slaughter and mayhem.
Ares, do you really wanna fight every warrior who wants to make a fortune?
Ok, it's getting to be a chore.
If we set you up as a farmer, you can come and go as you please.
Really?
No one would suspect the God of War would be living on a country farm.
Gabrielle and I'll stay with you,
just until you get the swing of things.
Yeah, a plantation...
Some slaves... Half a dozen flute-playing girls...
Just what I was thinking.
There it is. Just as I remember it.
And... Whoo...
The Elysian Fields on Earth.
Come on, come on.
Well...
This is it.
- What? The outhouse? - It's beautiful.
Hello! We're looking at a hovel!
Look, here.
I carved my initial in this pole.
- Here. - Let's see.
It's still there.
My grandma used to sit in this chair.
She'd rock and she'd tell us stories of the Olympian gods.
Bet you never thought you'd grow up to kill most of them, did you?
But wait...
The best is yet to come.
Come on.
Xena, it's charming.
It even smells the way I remember it.
I don't wanna spoil your waltz down memory lane,
but Ares ain't living here.
Now you can tell us all about your pastoral childhood
on the way back to civilization.
Ares, it's a little run-down, but we can fix it.
When I was a god I couldn't have fixed this place.
It's nothing that a little hard work can't put right.
See, now you're scaring me.
More than a band of cutthroats who are out for your blood?
Do I hafta answer right away?
Gabrielle, come check out the stove.
So, I got the God of War down
and I wouldn't listen to his pleas for mercy
and then I...
- I cut his throat. - What did he look like?
You know? He wasn't as mean-looking as everyone says.
Kind of a dark, handsome guy,
dressed all in black with a beard.
And he had this gray vest...
You didn't kill anyone, you little pimple,
but you might've seen somethin'.
That description of Ares was pretty good.
- I... I did see him. - Where?
Outside of Ipieros.
I followed them as far as the Lackawan Valley.
But then I lost my nerve.
What do you mean, them?
- Does he have an army with him? - No, no.
A couple of women.
Ares always did have a weakness for the ladies.
Probably lookin' for a place to shack up with them.
Pass the word.
We're headed for the Lackawan Valley.
Ares, hurry up with those rags!
You know what? I, uh...
I just can't seem to find 'em anywhere.
Well, that doesn't make sense.
Come on, then. We'll do somethin' else.
I was doing a thing!
Has anyone seen that saw I left out here?
Well, don't look at me.
I try to touch tools of common labor as little as possible.
Well, that's going to change. Come on.
Let's go.
Not the butt.
- If that leaves a mark... - Don't turn around.
Don't you...
I know I left the saw on the railing.
All right, Ares...
I want you to get up here on the mantelpiece
and nail those boards to the ceiling.
After you.
- Ares, come on... - All right.
What did you want me to do with the rags?
I wanted you to stuff 'em in the holes
in the outside wall to stop the wind coming through.
I'd rather do that.
All right, what are you looking for?
Ok, I hid the rags.
I thought you were gonna get me to mop the floor
or some other demeaning job I'd rather die than do,
but now they're gone.
This is strange.
I left both my boots out here and one of them's gone.
Ok...
Where's my wineskin?
Something is out there.
Excuse me...
Hello. My name is Greba. I'm your neighbor.
- Oh, hi. - Hello.
I've just come from Ipieros.
There's an army moving toward the valley led by the warlord Gasgar.
Thanks for the warning.
That Gasgar... He's a bad one.
You know what they say his favorite sport is?
It's to take a young, beautiful, helpless maiden
and despoil her of her chastity
again and again and again and again.
Oh, the beast.
- Thanks, Greba. - It makes me shudder, just thinking about it.
Being a young widow, on my own,
without a man to take care of my wants and needs...
Alone in my house, just over the fence, just there...
Thank you, Greba.
Hey, uh...
Drop by again when the news is better.
We'll have a glass of wine...
Swap tips on raising root vegetables...
Well, goodbye.
All right... You two take care of the thief.
I'm gonna see to Gasgar.
Oh, so you still get to be warrior!
But believe me...
I would much rather stay here and work on the house.
You know the sad thing?
I believe you!
Where's my belt?
Definitely take care of that one.
Gasgar?
Xena's here.
Xena?
Gasgar...
I've come to present you with a little gift.
What is it?
Ares' head on a platter.
So...
you want a piece of him too...
Figures.
I've heard about some of the things he's done to you through the years.
Let me ask you something.
When you were slaughtering gods...
up on Olympus...
why didn't you just take him out then?
The coward ran.
I didn't get the chance.
Well...
He's mortal now.
So any of us can kill him.
We don't need you.
Xena.
And we sure don't need to split the bounty any more ways.
I'm not in this for the gold.
This is personal.
And besides...
What if you're wrong?
What if it's all just a rumor and he hasn't lost his immortality at all?
You'd be stalking the God of War.
But I...
I have the ability to kill gods.
Wouldn't that make a nice insurance policy?
Besides...
I know where to find him.
Ares...
When you gave up your immortality to save me and Eve...
that was...
that was quite a sacrifice.
Thank you.
If Eve had died...
and Xena lost her power to kill gods...
then Athena would have killed Xena.
So I was saving Eve to save Xena.
You were an afterthought.
Thanks, anyway.
How'd it go?
So far, so good.
You cleared the chimney...
Ares did the heavy work.
Yeah?
She's exaggerating.
She just doesn't want to admit she couldn't get me to work any better than you could.
A lot of truth in that.
You know, my brothers and I used to sit by the fire, here...
and tell ghost stories.
My brothers...
I miss them sometimes.
Xena...
The thief is still here.
He got my gauntlet this afternoon.
Whoever it is, is good. I mean, very, very good.
We didn't see a thing.
What if there's nothing to see?
Like a ghost?
Yeah.
You mortals go to the most incredible places
just to rationalize unexplained phenomena.
- You know what's wonderful? - What?
It's wonderful that we're sitting here together in front of this cozy fire.
That's right. Life on a farm is so peaceful...
Are you two insane?
The life is incredibly dull. I-I-It's horribly uncomfortable.
And... And it's hard.
Oh, you'll change your tune when you get a few...
calluses on your hands.
Let me guess.
This is your favorite part.
Split up. There's gotta be one dry room in the house.
The kitchen's worse.
Hey, it's dry in here.
This was my room.
Grandpa must have fortified the roof.
It's the only dry room in the house.
That's a big bed.
The three of us can sleep in there.
Three of us in one bed?
Sure.
Well, I suppose we are all grown-ups.
We certainly are.
I think a change of positions is in order.
I meant we should both change positions.
All right.
I'm in Tartarus.
Gabrielle!
I don't care if it is a ghost!
If I can kill gods, maybe I can kill ghosts too!
Oh, thank God I'm a country boy.
Wait a minute. Drag marks. Look.
The ghost stole her breastplate.
It couldn't carry her breastplate.
Had to drag it.
An ample breastplate to be sure, but...
This way! Come on!
Something buried our stuff.
- What is this? - Look.
Strange...
Where are my boots?
It's a wolf.
It's not a wolf.
It's a dog.
Don't they have dogs on Olympus?
Not one-headed ones.
Oh, get it off me!
Hey, he's not attacking you. He's trying to be affectionate.
Well, I am not interested in that kind of relationship.
Come here, pooch.
Oh, no, don't do that.
Now we'll never get rid of him.
Maybe we don't wanna get rid of him.
Is there anything you and I agree on?
Oh, yeah... Anything else?
All right, Ares...
You can stay here with your furry little friend and fix the roof.
Gabrielle and I are off to town for some supplies.
Can it get any worse?
Hello, again!
Neighbor lady...
Hello.
You filthy mongrel...
Dogs make me go all cuddly.
See the lady?
Say hello to the lady. Say hello!
My husband and I had a dog.
But then he died three years ago in the battles.
My husband, that is, not the dog.
And then the dog was run over by the funeral wagon
that was carrying his body home.
There's been a great gaping hole in my heart ever since that day.
- Isn't war just terrible? - A crime against humanity.
I don't know why people can't be more like animals.
I mean, animals don't go to war or lie or cheat or betray each other.
Take this little guy right here.
I mean... When he likes you, he just comes up and starts licking you.
Why can't we be more like that?
A very, very good question.
Maybe we can...
take him for a long walk sometime, huh?
They wouldn't mind us borrowing their dog?
Your daughters?
You mean, slave girls.
No... They don't act like slaves.
Well, I spoil them.
So, uh...
what made you think they were my daughters?
Oh, well, I mean...
You being an older man and everything.
Oh, don't get me wrong... I mean...
You're in great shape and...
you hold yourself so well.
You know, good posture's so very important.
It's just that you're...
you're so much more sophistocated than what I'm used to and...
Well... With the gray hair, it's just...
Gray... Gray, gray hair...
Gray hair...
Oh, you have that... patch of gray just... there.
Was that rain? I... fix the roof.
- Oh, well... Goodbye. - Bye.
Think that's funny?
Yuk it up...
Of course...
Ares...
What are you doing?
I'm just lying here...
smelling my mortality.
Every muscle in my body aching...
I have gray hair...
and the dog has its... tongue in my mouth.
Well...
Enough of that, scat. Go!
All due respect, Xena...
this is the worst idea you've ever had.
I'll never make a convincing farmer.
Nonsense.
You just need to know how to accessorize. Come on.
I'm guessing these are the accessories.
Hey, look what I found.
This dog is incredibly needy.
Why don't you pet it?
Then maybe it won't be so needy.
Ares, I got a job you might like.
Really?
Why don't you go kill a chicken for dinner?
All right! Now you're talkin'!
Only one chicken.
Do you think he'll ever get used to this?
He just has to convince them once.
After that, he can hire in some help
or get his dancing girls, for all I care.
But once he is set up, you and I are out of here.
What?
Xena, I know you wanna help Ares...
but you're here to relive your childhood memories.
You think so?
Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
I was happy here.
It was a peaceful and I...
felt safe.
Ever since, my life has been anything but...
I'll say.
Let's enjoy it while we can.
Come here.
Come on.
Careful.
I'm beginning to like that.
Uh, Ares...
my plan's working perfectly.
You planned to drive me insane?
No, my plan to deal with Gasgar.
Are they leaving the valley?
Nope.
They're comin' right toward us.
All right, Ares...
If you can pull this one off and convince them that you're a farmer...
they'll leave and you'll have your cover.
But Gasgar and Attila know what I look like.
Oh, that's the beauty of it. I've asked around.
They're the only ones who know what you look like
and they won't be part of the search party.
You inside!
Show yourselves!
Ok...
The official story...
Ares passed by here a couple of days ago.
Suck it in.
And when he left, he was headed for the Hurata pass.
- I said get out here! - All right... You're on.
I'll be waiting out back.
Wouldn't do to find the Warrior Princess hanging out on a farm.
If you don't come out here...
things are going to get ugly.
- Go out there. - No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna need a moment.
- Well, stall. - Stall?
Torch the place.
Sorry, I was, um...
busy.
Come down here, pretty one.
Would you like to help us?
Of course.
We're looking for somebody.
His name is Ares.
He probably doesn't go by that now.
Now, I've never seen him, but they say...
his looks are dark, and women like the look of him.
Well, there are a lot of men who come around here whose looks I like.
Josa!
What are you doin'?
Get back on in the house, woman.
All right!
What do you want?
I want you to drop the attitude, farm-boy.
Then I want you to tell me if you've seen anybody suspicious around here.
Yes, sir, yes, I have.
That'd be you.
Now...
Give me an answer.
Have you seen any tall, dark, handsome guy around here?
I'm sure your woman over there would've been all over him if you did.
Wait a minute!
If he's out cold, how can we question him?
He's pretty feisty for a farmer.
How do we know he's not Ares himself?
Are you kidding?
Ares is a much younger man than this.
Oh, yeah.
You've seen him.
Well, the question is...
Has he seen him?
That's exactly what I'm gonna find out.
Put that pinch on him.
I've never seen it.
Well, it's not exactly a spectator sport.
Yeah, but I hear that it makes the nose gush blood.
Are you gonna do it or not?
You are going to be dead in 30 seconds, you and your little dog too
if you don't tell me.
Have you seen Ares, the God of War?
He stayed here a coupl 'a nights ago
and went to the Hurata pass.
- The Hurata pass... - Good work.
I'll let Gasgar know right away.
I'm gonna head for the Hurata pass.
Ares...
You shouldn't have come out with such an attitude.
- My woman... - Yeah?
She was about to take on an entire army.
I... think even a farmer would just have a little bit of attitude about that, don't you?
I was playing with my character.
I just used the first thing that popped into my head.
I think that says a lot about you.
Well done, Ares. You fooled 'em.
They're gone.
Get down from there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Do not be throwing things at my dog.
What do you mean? He bit me! It...
Did you say "your dog"?
He is the only one that stood up for me just now.
I think I'll call you...
Horace.
Come, Horace. Let's go kill some chickens.
It's amazing. He's bonded with the dog.
Well, that dog worships him.
That's a relationship Ares can understand.
I see you use the pull and squeeze method.
I prefer the double squeeze.
Double squeeze takes too long.
No, you get more milk that way. It's easier on the cow.
The Warrior Princess and the Battling Bard...
discussing the correct technique for milking a cow.
Absurd...
and yet, at the same time, ridiculous.
It's important.
Hello? Anyone there?
Horace! Where you goin', buddy?
In here!
I'm sorry to bother you, but...
I was just wondering if anyone had seen my dog.
Your dog...
I'm a traveling salesman.
I was passing through here a couple of weeks ago and
my dog ran off during a thunderstorm.
I was just trying to find him.
You can't miss him.
He's got two different colored eyes.
- One gray, one blue? - Yes!
- I've never seen him. - Shame.
That's him. That's him!
That's him!
That's not a dog. It's a horse. We breed 'em small around here.
No, no, it's really him!
Jake! Jake, come back!
Jake, come back to daddy!
Run, Horace, run.
Look at the workmanship there. Look at the handle.
- Get out of the way. - Oh, I'll be with you later.
Now... How may I help you, gentlemen?
What's he chewin' on?
Oh, it's... It's funny you should ask that because...
it's just one of the most precious things that we have here.
Look at that. It's... Well... It's available... for a price.
It looks like Ares' gauntlet.
Where'd you get it?
Now, that's a very interesting thing in itself, you see.
- Wher'd you get it? - My dog found it on a farm.
What farm?
A farm.
Maybe he buried it in the field.
You are so quick to blame Horace.
Well, who else would steal your gauntlet?
Hello?
Bad news.
Gasgar's army has turned around and is heading back down the valley.
A soldier from his army was drunk in a tavern at Ipieros last night
and he says that Gasgar is heading for this farm.
Somehow, Gasgar's got it in his head that Ares is here.
Goodness, aren't people just the funniest thing?
Thank you, Greba.
- Oh, and I also heard that... - Greba...
Go away.
Well... Goodbye.
Gasgar...
Xena's here.
Good.
Send her in.
I thought you were headed for the... Hurata pass, Xena.
And I heard you turned your army around.
I didn't want you to waste your time.
- Ares headed through here a few days. - That's not gonna play.
Ares' gauntlet.
A dog found it on a farm...
A farm you happened to ride up to...
when Demetrius was in the middle of an interrogation.
Why are you tryin' to hide Ares, Xena?
I'll tell you why.
Gabrielle, what are you doing here?
I'm tired of being used by you, Xena.
Gabrielle, this is not time for one of your little spats.
- You wanna know where Ares is? - Yeah.
Don't listen to her. She's insane.
I'll tell you who's insane. You.
If you think you can walk away from me...
You've fallen in love with Ares and suddenly I'm nothing.
You fell in love with Ares?
After all he's done to you?
That's pathetic.
You want a piece of me, Gasgar?
- None of my business, really. - Damn straight.
You were about to tell me...
- where Ares is. - Yeah.
Wouldn't do that if I were you, Gabrielle.
Xena, you taught me how to fight.
I may be tougher than you think.
Ares is headed to Pultruis.
He's gonna hide in the Naughton cave.
Why, I oughtta...
Come on, Warrior Princess. Let's see what ya got.
Come on.
Can we take this outside?
Ok. I'll leave.
- How far to Pultruis? - It's a day's ride.
All right.
Nice moves.
Horace!
I guess you don't need the flute girls anymore.
Hey... I like his company.
It's not like he takes care of all my problems.
Here.
So, what happened to Gasgar?
Oh, he headed with the others towards the Pultruis caves.
He thought you were hiding out there for some reason.
That would be the Pultruis where the beast of the 7 heads makes his lair?
8 heads. And not one of them is friendly.
So you can stay here as long as you want.
No one'll bother you here.
Thanks, Xena,
but to be honest, once I'm out of chickens,
I might just move on.
Well, you should drag it out.
You know, you might find a kind of peace here that you won't find afterwards.
And who knows...
Maybe I'll come and visit you sometime.
Or...
I could give this whole rural thing a good try.
Good boy.
Have fun.
How are you feeling?
I've learned something since coming back here.
You can't look for peace in the world around you.
You've gotta find it in your own heart.
I was happier when I was a kid here 'cause I was loved
and I felt like I belonged.
I was lucky then, and I'm lucky now.
Me too.